Insecure and jealous.

I can actually feel the pain surge through my limbs as I strive to understand and fight with this idea that I’m too clingy, too jealous, I over-think too much, too much attention seeking, too much this, too much that. I’m tired of feeling insecure like I’m not worth it. I’m worth a whole lot, I know it. But why can’t I feel my -own- self worth? Is there something wrong with me? Have I gone too far into my own subconscious? Is there anything I can do without hurting myself in the process? I just want to be loved and be told I’m worth something more than I think. I may think I want the whole crowd’s affection, but all I really need is one… one person to tell me all is well when I’m not. I just need a break from all these stupid emotions. I hate the thoughts in my head, and that shouldn’t be the case. I don’t love the pain I feel when I’m feeling insecure. Sometimes, on good days, I can say, well I’m not looking/feeling that bad today, other days I find myself scrolling on other girls pages and comparing myself to them. I can’t help it. It’s something I can’t stop doing. She’s prettier. She’s smarter. More outgoing, more of a listener, she’s not crazy… like I am.

Maybe one day I’ll look at myself, feel on the inside I’m worth something more than what I think the mirror shows. One day. And I hope that day comes soon. I’m dying. Someone please help. I feel like I’m dying.

If I ever… EVER see you again… I would probably cry. From happiness or from sadness. But I think the worst part is how I know I will never see you again. You played such a big part in my world. Maybe we will meet in our next lives. I can’t wait for that day then.